On Letting Go (Or Not) / A Third Letter to My Husband

J,

I’m in bed in the tantra community in Dorset that is my current home, watching the drizzle fall over the country fields outside. I have so little energy and yet I am so happy, so happy to be alive and flat and horizontal. In an hour I’ll go chop vegetables and help prepare dinner for the “family.” For now, I am here, reflecting on all of the weather that we endured.

I’ve fallen in love (again), with yet another beautiful man. But this time, more truly, madly and deeply than I have since you and I separated, a year and a half ago, now. The first time that I looked in this man’s eyes, I felt the same powerlessness, the same sense of my insides turning to liquid, the same sense of knowing and being known to my core. And as we’ve danced the dance of diving deep, getting to know each other in ways beyond words and finding that we already know each other completely, I find myself faced with that big, cosmic love that you and I had, that I’ve only experienced once before, with you.

I have experienced so much love this year, of course, and I wonder what the difference is between the love I’ve experienced and this current “next-level” love? Who am I to theorize that there are different levels to love? Love is love; the rest is just the stories we build around it. But still. I know you know what I mean and I want to ask you what you think but I can’t and I won’t. Our theories don’t matter, anyway, but how I used to adore sitting across a dinner table from you for hours and hours talking and trying to make sense of it all.

Anyway. This current love is big. It’s big and I am not scared of it. It’s deep and it’s more aligned with my soul’s needs than anything I’ve attracted into my life since you. It reminds me of the way I felt when I met you, actually. Completely seen and understood before I’d opened my mouth.

Although this one is quite profound, I have had such beautiful connections in the last year, really and truly. With each beloved, I’ve surrendered a little more, shed a little more of the parts of me as a partner that needed to be shed. I have cracked open the hearts of many who needed it, and in return, I’ve been conditioned and prepped and preened by the universe. Now I stand at a precipice.

What’s curious to me, though, is this – the more I surrender into this new love, the more I find you. How is this possible? How do I end up so filled with you, even though I’ve given you up so completely?

But the more I let you go and surrender to love, the more I find that… you ARE this love that I’m surrendering to. And I can’t wrap my brain around this fully, which makes me know even more that it’s the truth – it’s beyond logic, just like all of my favourite things.

I wasn’t ready to receive this kind of big love six months ago, nor was I ready to receive this message of surrendering and coming full circle to realise, in the fullness of experience, the truth that I do not have to let you go, because this isn’t about me and you, it’s about that thing we always felt but could never name, that “third thing” in our dyadic relationship. I was only ready just when I was ready. I closed some connections and asked the cosmos to send me what I needed, and the next morning, this man showed up on my doorstep (I am a very powerful witch, you know). 

In the beginning, it was all about letting you go, letting you go, letting you go in conscious continuity. But the more I’ve let you go, the more I’ve come full circle to love you and hold you closer to me than ever, not in a possessive way, but in the kind of way that two souls could just melt into the oneness that’s beyond “you” and “I”. All along, what has felt like a letting go has perhaps just been a surrendering to love, so that now, there’s no need to let you go anymore. All that’s left is to let love’s expression flow through me and bring into my life whatever will help me best serve as love’s channel.

I’m totally accepting of whatever happens, more than ever. If you were with every woman under the sun, I would be the happiest. The imprints that we gave each other of true love will last forever and put us on these paths of facing ourselves and going deeper into the mysteries. Following our truths, we are changing the world. I have days where I wonder why we aren’t sharing a bed, but that’s just a story – we are, we always are.

None of this has to be serious. You and I are rare birds; the fact that we flew into each others’ orbits at all is enough for me to trust that strange and wonderful things will happen when you let them.

Loving you, feeling you.

L x

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