This post has been a pain in the arse to write. Every time I sit down to this mocking, blinking cursor on my screen, I feel like I want to be anywhere but here, in my family home. I feel all the compulsions that I’ve been grappling with in the last thirteen years rise up […]Read more "How To Come Home"
Six weeks ago today, my husband – my greatest support and partner in crime, the love of my life and my best friend – dropped me off at a bus station in St. Louis, where we would indefinitely part ways for the first time in our three and a half years living together. I remembered […]Read more "How to Leave"
I’m sitting at the table in my living room, surrounded by a sea of half-packed boxes and bags, one of the most harrowing and exciting sights for me today. I’m eating a bowl of something I whipped together with the contents of the fridge and cupboard that I was trying to use up. Considering the […]Read more "How (Not) To Move"
\ˌvəl-n(ə-)rə-ˈbi-lə-tē\ noun “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” In the last six months, the people in my life who know me best (i.e., my partner, my sponsor and my therapist) have each called me out on the extent to which I’m being vulnerable. […]Read more "Vulnerability"
Today, by some miracle, I’ve been sober for two years. This might come as a huge surprise to anyone who knew me in my ‘wonder years’, but, I promise you, I am the most shocked person in the room by far. I went to my first AA meeting on the night of May 10th, right before I was due […]Read more "Two Years"
A week ago, I turned twenty-seven. I’ve always loved birthdays, but this one felt particularly special – apart from the usual felicity, I was also turning an age that has real significance for me. For many years, I thought that I’d die at twenty-seven. Yeah, I know – so does every troubled youth. Many of the wonderful, […]Read more "How to Kick a Habit"
I always fancied myself as someone who’d be the kind of person who meditated. I liked the aesthetic of meditation – the modern, new-age hippy vibes, the long hair and flowing floral patterns, white linens and wide-open french doors and patchouli smelling shit. Even though the only time I closed my eyes and shut my brain off was […]Read more "How To Meditate"